Where should I start??? December 19

Where to start? We went to see Linden yesterday in the morning while Saige was taking a nap. She was stable with not much change. If I remember correctly she was around 50% oxygen and pressure was the same. They were sedating her every two hours with morphine and versa(sp?).

THEN...we came home to take a nap and during that nap I began having excruciating pain in my abdomen. Much like labor. Todd jumped and got me some pain meds...yet, within minutes I realized something was very wrong. To make a longer story short, I went to ER and my doctor met me there around 2:30 and I was in surgery by 4p. I had retained placenta and my body was trying to get rid of it on its own....hence the pain. So, I spent another night in the hospital. All is okay...so we think for now. I sure hope so.

I got home this morning after a short visit to see Baby Linden with a mask. They are letting me see her as long as I wear a mask and i have been treated with meds and the shingles have not spread. She was on 36% oxygen yet her pressure on the vent has gone up to 37/6 for those who know what I talking about. A bit worrisome. She is just taking her time...which is fine. There is nothing we can do or the dr.'s can do but support her lungs and body until she is ready.

I played with Saige when I got home...I think she wonders where I have been at times...but nonetheless, she is happy with Norma, mom , Todd and especially Ethan.

We went back around 3:30p to see Linden. Very emotional trip for me...I think I am at a breaking point...it seems out of my control. First, we walked in and they hung a sign saying "minimal stimulation" which flooded my head with the memories of Saige. That same sign hung above her bed for what seems like an eternity.

She was lying so still, so quiet, it was hard to think there was a baby under that skin. The guilt overwhelms me. I know I have nothing to feel guilty about, yet it rares it ugly head often...questions like, could I have kept her in any longer? Did I do too much to make her come early? Was it because I got pregnant so fast after Saige? Was I being selfish wanting more kids after the experience of Saige being so sick? Anyway, those are but a few of the crazy thoughts that flood my eyes with tears when i see her.

So, to make matters worse, she is more swollen and retaining fluid that it is hard to picture her face...one that matches our family. She is wearing Shoe socks...that remind me she is mine, socks my girl Melanie gave to Saige...they cheer me up. Anyway, she was on 36% oxygen and her pressure was down to 32/6 and breaths per minute were down to 45...before the machine was breathing 55 bpm on her behalf. So there is definite improvement. THEN...Linden started to desat..which means her oxygen levels in her blood dropped. So, quietly the nurses went to her side to listen to her lungs. They increased her oxygen up to 50+% before they could suction her. She is very touchy and just changing her diaper makes her levels drop. So, they suctioned her about 5 times and he sats went down to below 80...gave me a mild heart attack. I lost it..began crying...just too scary. They were not worried and said if they worried, the doctor would be at her side...no relief though to me anyway.

So, I am bit down to say the least, I know the outcome for Saige was wonderful and I felt these same feelings...doesn't make it any better. I know just enough information that I am bit dangerous to myself since I have experience with Saige.

We went out to dinner for bit of a break and it seems the sadness and fear follow me...even to Luby's! So, after kiddos are in bed we are back to the hospital.

Pray for her please, for all of us. Todd is exhausted. I told him he had it the worst because at least I got to rest during surgery, and I have pain meds...

Love to you and yours, Kristen