1am December 18, 2008

I was too sad to write earlier today...but things are lookin' up! Around 3pm on the 17th, I went to see Linden and drop off some milk before I left for home. At that time, he RPMs...respirations per minute were very high along with her pulse. Her o2 sats were down and so they began to raise her o2 levels again. Her blood gas test was not great. The dr. sedated her a bit extra than her normal dose to see if that would work, it didn't. They raised her oxygen again up to 69% and more sedation...didn't work. The dr. said she would not wean her from oxygen unless needed.

So, at 7:30pm last night they gave her the last dose of Surfactant....now we wait. I put Saige to bed and spent time with Ethan...although he wanted to spend more time with Nonna (my mom) and we called to check in at the hospital before we left. Her o2 level support was up to 76-79%...UGH! I quickly took a shower as not to let Ethan see me cry. He had a horrible time with Saige...I mean it was so difficult for him, he worried so much about her, we are trying to minimize the knowledge of what is happening to Linden.

We got to the hospital and they had just done a blood gas test which was much improved and we called to speak to the Dr. She said this is normal for several reasons...the up and down of her status. It is normal to flucuate the first 24 hours on a ventilator. It is normal to flucuate because she was premature. It is normal to flucuate because she is under stress. They will continue to sedate her as much as possible. They added dopamine to her med regimine to increase her blood pressure.

So, it is now 1:12am and I just called to check in...her o2 support is down to 49% which is great. I asked why they were weaning and the nurse said too much o2 in her blood is not good either. The sedation continues, her urine output is great.

We continue to ride the rollercoaster of emotions on this journey with Linden. Some say..."oh, you know what the outcome is...look at Saige?" Easier said than done my friends. When I sit in that room, looking at Linden hooked up to all those machines, sick babies all around and she looks the sickest in the room??? All the memories of Saige flood my mind, and the fear sneaks it way into my head and heart...what if she is the one who doesn't make it? Normal, I know...scary...yes...but it is my truth for now. I too flucuate with her...

I push those thoughts out...the negative ones and fill them with jokes from the nurses, laughter from telling stories about my other two wonderful children, helping other parents in the NICU that haven't been through this before. Todd and I have the gift of knowledge...yet, at times it seems like a curse.

So, on we tread the road! I can't wait to get to the end of the line on this part of our journey.

She will be fine the Dr. says...so we try to worry when we are told to.

Thank you for all the calls, prayers and well wishes! Until then....Kristen